Not My Time
by Monkey DeRanged
Summary: 16 years old Ponyboy is going crazy, Soda is off to war, and Ponyboy doens't know how to deal. Maybe a oneshot could be a story. Rated T for drinking (Underage)


I've been thinking that I could start writing again. I'm not sure about a story, but maybe a one shot here and there. I don't know, tell me what you think about this and maybe I'll reconsider about not writing anymore.

Modern timing

Start (If one shot)/prologue (if new story)

Pony P.O.V

I remember the beginning of it all, the smiles, the feeling of happiness that I would, not long after, forget. I can recall the sound of your laughter traveling through the house, filling up the void spaces, being the angel God made you to be. Out of everything I remember, I can most vividly retrieve the sight of your eyes, and yes as pathetic as it is, I still see them in the dim light of our room when I try to fall asleep. The pools of blue ice staring at me with understanding and love; I almost try to talk to you, tell you about school, or Darry, or life in general, but then I remember it's not you, just a figment of your memory still lingering around as a constant tease reminding me of pain and sorrow.

Pain, a feeling I can't seem to shake; and sorrow a demon taking over my body and causing me to be a 'totally different person' in the words of Darry, who has forced depression pills down my throat to try to resurrect a new me, well actually the old me, just a new old me. The old me is long gone if you ask me. I left when you did, my happiness, purpose and spirit left when yours did on that night of cold dark truths. Truths that mean you are gone forever and will no way ever come home again. Truths that make my stomach turn at the thought. I gag when I wake up to an empty bed, almost like I want to fall back asleep and wake up from this nightmare, only to find it a harsh reality.

Today starts out as every other day. I open my eyes, smile on my face and turn over to greet you, to question why your arm is not over me in protection as it is every night. I turn slowly, hoping today's results will conclude in something different from the same cold harsh truth of yesterday and the days before. I try to keep my eyes close, try not to ruin the surprise too early. I have to force myself not to fling my arm down to see if you're there; to actually touch the bare back, to have the physical contact that I yearn for.

I turn around on my other side, and slowly open my eyes to an empty bed spot, the covers haven't even been turned down, so my life is not a fake, this is really happening. I ignore the sting of reality, and turn back over willing to be asleep again, to wake up again and see your smiling face. Instead of falling asleep though, a knocking sound echoes in the small, empty room.

"Ponyboy, get up now." It is Darry, and he's never pleased in the mornings anymore, no more tickle attacks, no more breakfast whistling. Darry also left when you did, he has hid it more than others, including me. He doesn't wait for an answer to escape my lips, he barges on in and looks at me sadly. I know he tries to be strong and he wants me to be strong also, but after so long of seeing the sad look in his eyes staring me, I feel like I caused his disappointment, his grief, but I know I didn't, you did Soda.

I don't move. I keep my eyes close and force myself not to curl up in a ball to cry, not in front of Darry.

"Ponyboy. You need to get up now." Darry says with a concerned voice, but it's only mock concern because he's gone through the same thing every morning since that day. I still don't move. "Come on little brother, it's only been a month." He says and I ignore him like everything else.

Soda, sometimes I wish you were dead. The thought of that makes tears sting in my eyes, but it's the truth. I can't take the pain of not knowing anymore. I can't take the pain of confusion that stings my everyday life and leaves me in a broken wreck in the mornings in Darry's care.

"he could come back." He says, trying to force the hopefulness in his voice, but there is none. I try to ignore the comment, try to bite my tongue, but I can't, not this morning.

"Cut the crap Darry. You and I both know he ain't comin back!" I scream, and in a second Darry is straddling me on the bed. He looks down on me in rage and gives me his best stink eye.

"Ponyboy Curtis you do not talk like that." He says in a surprisingly calm voice, maybe he's holding back on me today. "if mom and dad taught us anything it's to never give up hope." Another truth needle in my already needle full skin; oh the joys of acupuncture.

"ok Darry." I say breathless, felling as though it's hopeless to talk to him. I wait for him to get off of me and to leave but once he gets off of my stomach he grabs my arm and pulls me up out of the bed.

"Time for medicine." Darry says and drags me to the bathroom where he already has the antidepressant sitting out with a glass of water. He has two pills sitting on the counter waiting as though he knew today would be hard. I swallow them without any trouble and wait for him to unhand me before I return to my room.

"Where are you going Ponyboy, it's time for school." He says before following me back into my room. He pulls me out of the bed again to my avail and wills me to stand so he can look at me.

"You have to go to school Ponyboy. I have to go to work. Just like every day. It'll be a good day, pulse today's Friday." He says and I force a smile, just for him. He watches as I drag clothing out of the closet where all your clothes still hang. Soda, why do you cause this every day?

"I'll get dressed Darry." I say and he raises his eyebrows before leaving the room. After he's gone I dress in my usual dark clothing, black shirt, dark jeans, black jacket and convers and wait for him to leave for work.

"I'm leaving Pony. Have a good day at school." He says before I hear the door slam shut and the truck drive out of the way and down the road. It's all that I can do to hold it in any longer. I grab my pillow, covering my face with it and holding it as close as I can, I scream into it with every ounce of my energy. Once I scream for about 3 minutes, I stand up, regain composer and walk to the living room. I walk past mom's old desk where there is a letter on top, opened with handwriting, Soda's handwriting.

Dear Ponyboy and Darry

I don't know when you'll be getting this or even where I'll be when you write back but I know one thing, it's sure different out here than at home. I just want you to know that Steve and I are doing just fine. We are staying together, and keeping each other's backs, no need to worry about me.

Ponyboy, you listen to Darry and be good. I want to hear a good report from Darry now or I wont be very happy. I need to know you guys are ok without me. I need to know Pony, that you won't make it worse for dear old Darry. Before I left I think I saw a gray hair, so no more please, for a while at least. Plus let me help with some of those. Be good Ponyboy I love you. I'll be home soon.

Darry, keep an eye on Ponyboy and be safe. I got a joke for ya. Ok so what is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint! Alright well, I've got to go for now. Love you both. Keep safe and remember, it's only a one term deal.

Sodapop Curtis.

I fling the note down, the last one we received before the letter from the force saying that Soda was missing, not A-wall but missing, as in missing in action. Not dead, but they can't find him, or his barrack. They said there's still hope though, because their looking for them.

It's a bunch of crap too because there over there to fight a war, not play hide and seek. I fear that Soda will never come home. Back to the letter though. What really get's me upset is the Pony, don't make it worse. I'm trying Soda, I really am. It's been hard ya know. well you actually wouldn't because you're not here.

"I'm not going to school today." I say before leaving the house and locking the door behind me. I walk lonesome to Bucks bar, open 24 hours and sit down at the bar. Buck knows me and knows the situation, I am not a force to be reckoned with, and if he refuses me he'll be reckoning with me.

Buck turns to me and shakes his head with sadness, but his lips hide any sort of frown.

"Hey kid, aren't you supposed to be in school?" He asks, causing a few more eyes to turn my way. They wait for an answer and I almost cave under the pressure, but I don't.

"do you want your business or not?" I ask and he nods before bring me a full shot class of his weakest stuff, trust me I know; this isn't my first rodeo. I take the shot before banging the glass on the table again. "Fill me up!" I say and after he fills my glass I lift my shot up and the others look at me in question.

"To Sodapop Curtis, wherever he may be." I say and take the shot.


End file.
